


It's just, uh, well... you know

by LaDragonaria



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, First Time, Kaidan Porn Week, M/M, Romantic Fluff, Sexual Content, The reality of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-10
Updated: 2013-04-11
Packaged: 2017-12-08 02:06:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/755732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaDragonaria/pseuds/LaDragonaria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Shepard and Kaidan Alenko have never been with men before. Although they love each other deeply, each has been pretty apprehensive about how to make their relationship physical since neither one has any real experience in that area. After making it abundantly clear that they'd like to try, they set aside some alone time and begin doing independent research and physical and mental preparation to try and make it perfect for the other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It took everything I had not to call it "Like a Virgin", it really did.
> 
> This was inspired from some things I saw floating around Tumblr, I wish I'd saved them exactly so I could quote them directly but the general ideas came from a few comments I've read through about Kaidan and Shepard. And spicyshimmy might've been one of them. 
> 
> This may be the most awkward, honest and embarrassing sexual content I have ever written. We're just going to have to say that I know things and leave it at that.

They were doing it again.

It was their awkward routine where they would spend time together, share a few words, maybe hang out around the Observation Deck before they went to the Captain's Cabin for the night.

And that was where the awkwardness usually began.

Sure, they were adults. They were two men who happened to be in a relationship with each other. They were men who happened to be in a relationship with another man; which was each other. No, no matter how many times they went over it, it still sounded weird and it was hard to explain to others.

In a way, it felt like they were explaining themselves. And really, the only people who just didn't care were... pretty much everyone on the ship. 

EDI found it fascinating and listened intently, Joker didn't care what you did on the ship as long as it wasn't in his chair (which he hoped would never become an issue), Traynor and Cortez already knew what it was like to question yourself with labels, James was nice enough to make fun of everyone's relationships regardless of who they were, Tali politely hid a shudder imagining the germ ratio and how sexual behavior on the Migrant Fleet usually involved about two weeks of bedrest (leading to more sexual behavior) and Liara was probably the most unfazed one of all since the asari didn't care if you were male, female or a hanar.

In short, the only people on the Normandy who were actively concerned about Shepard and Kaidan's newfound relationship was Shepard and Kaidan themselves.

And now they were in their pajamas, which consisted of Kaidan in a faded t-shirt and underwear and Shepard in rather colorful Blasto sweatpants only. 

They weren't uncomfortable around each other in terms of nakedness; they were in the Alliance. For a while, they'd had to shower with other men. It was only when they were near each other and both in an amorous mood that things became complicated.

It started as Shepard was looking at some vid on the extranet with Kaidan. Kaidan leaned over, trying to get a better view and, without thinking, placed his hand on Shepard's inner thigh. The two turned and faced each other, partly out of embarrassment and partly because the moment felt... right? Could moments feel right?

Kaidan withdrew his hand. "Sorry. I... I didn't mean to. You know."

"It's fine, Kaidan." John took Kaidan's hand in his.

"...What are you doing?"

"I'm up to something." John smirked and leaned over to Kaidan, pressing a kiss on his lips.

"Oh? That uh... that sounds dangerous."

"Maybe you should come with me?"

Kaidan flashed scarlet. "...You mean keep you safe right?"

"Right. What did I say?"

"N-Never mind." Kaidan tried to get back into the sexy witty banter phase of their courtship. "So. You need me to be with you?"

"Definitely."

Shepard rolled over onto Kaidan's side of the bed, moving himself in between Kaidan's legs as he kissed Kaidan in earnest. 

Sure, they'd kissed before. Plenty of times. Repeatedly. Sometimes it was all they could think about. Sometimes it was the only thing to do since EDI could get their work done much faster than they could and she was happy to do it at that. They'd had their own private make-out sessions. The only thing strange about it was when they were interrupted by Gabby and Ken, who were guilty of the same thing.

Kaidan remembered the first times they'd spent what seemed like hours kissing each other and trying to find the proper rhythm between lips, tongue and breathing. Not to mention getting small cramps and trying to shift position or not knowing where the proper place to put one's hand was. 

Shepard found an "old reliable" in putting one hand on Kaidan's hip or waist and the other at the nape of Kaidan's neck. Kaidan had no real luck finding good places to keep his hands. Somehow rubbing Shepard's back felt like burping a baby and the desire to hold onto his hair was hindered by Shepard's military cut. Usually, Shepard would cling to Old Reliable's old reliables while Kaidan's hands wandered.

"Ah!"

"Did I hurt you?"

"No. Sorry. Uh... go... on?" Kaidan didn't know how to reinitialize things whenever a moan or gasp would pass his lips. Shepard was a fan of kissing sweet spots and Kaidan had multiple ones, though, Shepard was formally acquainted with the one near his Adam's apple which was driving him crazy.

The first time Shepard had found that special area, it resulted in a very awkward situation. While Shepard hadn't left a hickey on Kaidan's neck, Kaidan was unfortunately the victim of "beard burn". Yes, it was an occupational hazard for anyone who wanted to kiss men. A man's stubble or five o'clock shadow was probably one of the sharpest feelings on skin you could imagine. It was like being licked by a cat's tongue or rubbing up against sandpaper. Admittedly, the actual kissing was softer but the constant rubbing of a sandpapery chin and cheek against softer skin left the skin raw and a bit tender. 

Kaidan looked like he'd been the victim of a shaving accident. Actually, he was, but it was Shepard's shaving. Lotion had made that a bit more bearable but he didn't know how to properly use lotion and wasn't fond of the way that it was making his hands incredibly slippery. Then again, that could... come in handy. He had pushed that from his mind, at least until the time that Shepard began his kissing routine and made a sour face after licking the lotion on Kaidan's neck.

Luckily, Kaidan's skin soon toughened enough to fight the dangers of stubble. And the sound of his skin brushing against prickly skin made his toes curl.

...Yeah, things had been awkward at first. Now they were heating up.

"You know it's really sexy when you close your eyes?"

"Hah... You saying I look good sleeping?"

"I meant when I kiss your neck. But yeah. That too."

"Well, good. You don't look half bad yourself."

Shepard's own problem was a bit more unique. It was trying to keep himself in control. 

Obviously, he'd seen Kaidan naked before. His time in Huerta Memorial had been Kaidan mostly naked for all to see. And he'd seen a few telltale outlines in Kaidan's pants every now and again. He'd seen Kaidan's involuntary responses when he came out of the shower with a towel around his waist or when they were sleeping and Kaidan's underwear might tent a bit. And obviously, he'd seen his own before but between that and Kaidan's ass, he felt like he was being driven crazy.

It didn't help that their position was a bit compromising for him. Really, with Kaidan's legs spread open to give him access, which wasn't so much sexual as nobody liked knees in their stomach while trying to kiss a loved one, he was now rubbing up against Kaidan pretty intimately. That had happened before, of course, but usually they were wearing uniforms or the Alliance briefs which were supportive and thus tighter. He could hide himself a bit better... Blasto sweatpants and Blasto boxers underneath were not really conducive to hiding his modesty.

Kaidan growled low, sexy, way too sexy for his own good, as John pushed in against him. He could feel Kaidan underneath him and he was pretty sure Kaidan could feel him too. Shepard felt his hips starting to stir against Kaidan and Kaidan was now starting to move back. Kaidan's hands had settled on Shepard's hips... and were slowly dipping and pulling him closer.

John broke the kiss suddenly and pulled back a bit. Kaidan looked up at him expectantly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I... My hip was hurting." Terrible excuse.

"...Shepard, you're old but you're not that old. Yet. Are you?"

"Hey."

Kaidan gave Shepard a smirk. John was... pretty much putting on a show, almost fully extended.

"Yeah. Your hip."

"...I just didn't want to ruin the moment."

"So you ruined the moment?" Kaidan sat up, giving him a small chuckle. 

They weren't altogether comfortable with each other yet. It was the time in a relationship where they sought pleasure from each other but they were still concerned with appearing dignified when experiencing it. Every new sensation was new and potentially frightening. The desire to have sex but not seen as being hard, the desire to kiss but worrying if someone's breath smelled bad (Kaidan was obsessively brushing his teeth since he tasted a bit like steak, garlic or onions at any given time... which was probably a good thing) and a million other tactical subterfuges to engage and retreat was what their relationship was right now. They loved each other enough to want to be together but they loved each other in such a way that they didn't want to ruin the illusion.

"...Kaidan, I..."

"What is it?" Kaidan saw they were... probably concluded for the night and crossed his legs, looking at Shepard who sat across from him.

"I love you."

"Well... yeah. I know that." Kaidan blushed. That was still the default reaction. "I love you too, John."

"And I want to... be with you."

"Oh." Kaidan paused for a moment. He wasn't sure how he should proceed. "Okay."

"Uh... you know what I mean, right?"

"Right. Like... uh. Be... with me. _Being_ with me. Right?" Kaidan was a bit nervous. Hopefully that was what Shepard had meant. Too late now if it wasn't.

"Right. Exactly. So. I wanted to..."

"To...?"

Shepard gave out an exasperated sigh. "Damn it."

"You wanted to damn it? Okay but it sounds a bit medieval." Kaidan laughed a bit at Shepard's expense.

"I mean, I _should_ be able to say it. But there... isn't a word for it that makes it sound good. Sex sounds so..."

"Generic."

"And fucking sounds so..."

"Vulgar."

"And making love sounds..."

"So hokey."

"Exactly."

"But you do... want to have sex with me?"

"Yeah. I do."

"I do too. I'm just... I'm sorry if I keep pulling back, it's just... Well, you know, I've only been with women."

"Right. Me too."

"And I want to. Really. I mean, in theory, I know how it works in theory. But... in terms of actually doing it. I... You know."

"Right."

"So... How about we... look stuff up?"

"Right now?"

"What? No. Uh. It's late. And... I mean, there's preparation involved so... How about we have like a date night?"

"You mean a fuck night?"

"...Well, yeah, if you want to be vulgar."

"I want to be vulgar with you."

"Okay. So. We'll... look things up. And, go out to the Citadel if we need anything. And then... Report back."

"...This sounds like a lot of work. We're two bright guys. I'm sure we can figure something out."

"Shepard, you can't just slap omnigel on it."

"Sure I can. Might help with the friction."

"Come on. I like the idea of finding out how to do it right. I want it to be great."

"Fine. You know I can't say no to you."

"I know that?" Kaidan laughed as they moved apart, back to their sides of the bed. Kaidan wrapped his arms around Shepard, pressing his chest against John's back. "Well, glad to know I have that power over you."

"It's those damn brown eyes. It's like saying no to a puppy. A poodle with a pompadour."

"Rather that than a hairless chihuahua."

"Go to sleep, Kaidan."

"I didn't hurt your feelings, did I?"

"No. It takes more than that to hurt my pride. But... if you want to make it up to me, you could use those sexy lips of yours."

"Haha... Uh... You remember last time we tried that, right?"

That was probably the most awkward time of all. When kissing and touching wasn't really enough, they decided to try a more intimate approach. Kaidan had attempted it first, knowing how it was done really only in theory. Sure, he'd been on the receiving end of oral sex before but it had been years since he'd partaken. Kaidan did like to please, though. Maybe some of his former lady paramours' talents had rubbed off on him... wrong choice of words. 

He had tried. And he wasn't bad when it came to actually licking but found his technique utterly lacking. John noticed that too. The slobber was almost sexy but as Kaidan made a valiant attempt at swallowing more of it, he suddenly panicked at the lack of air. His gag reflex kicked in and he unceremoniously may have bitten Shepard once or twice by accident. Accidental teeth was unpleasant but nobody liked to be bitten. Although it wasn't a hard bite or for long, it did make Shepard jump. Kaidan had to back off, defeated.

When John tried it on Kaidan, it was an equal disaster. While Shepard did succeed in getting Kaidan off, it was a sloppy blowjob, no technique and too much teeth. He did seem better at breathing through his nose than Kaidan did and had managed to get himself in a decent position and rhythm when Kaidan's sensitive trigger went off. For Shepard, it wasn't so much the taste or the action itself, it was the surprise as he pulled back almost immediately in a coughing fit. Still, Kaidan had enjoyed it. For whatever it was worth, Shepard had a knack for it.

"...Yeah. But. You know what they say, if at first you don't succeed...?"

"Later. I... If I'm going to do it - and I am - I want to know how to do it... properly." Kaidan was embarrassed, blushing into Shepard's shoulder blade. "I... want to be good for you."

"You already are."

Kaidan blushed harder. "Uh. Well. Thanks. I... yeah. Thanks. But, if I bite you. I want it to be... on purpose."

"You know if you keep whispering about biting me in my ear with your sex phone operator voice, I'll never get to sleep."

"Not the first time you've been _up_ all night."

"Hilarious."

"I try." Kaidan moved in and whispered sensually into Shepard's ear. "And I'm very good at trying, John. I'm very... eager. And motivated. And I want to please you. Good night, John. Sweet, wet dreams."

"Fuck, that's not fair!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan I think differ in that Shepard is more concerned with "function" and Kaidan is more concerned with "form".
> 
> My inspiration for this chapter is basically terrible fanfiction and my own terrible desire to put Kaidan in awkward sexual situations and some real life situations that I went through which... you know what, I'll leave it at that.
> 
> Also it was running long again so... Uh. One more chapter. Involving the sex and not the... not... sex?

They had docked at the Citadel and were prepared to enjoy a small shore leave. 

They'd decided to hold off their plans until they were there at the Citadel and now that they had arrived, their nerves were getting the best of them... mostly Kaidan. Kaidan was intimidated by Shepard's ability to win at anything. Except dancing.

But even Shepard was nervous after going through what he had read. The things that they were researching made it nearly impossible to look each other in the eye.

 

They sat across from each other, eating some quick breakfast before they got off into the Citadel.

"So..." Kaidan began, more meekly than he wanted to.

"...What is it?"

"When did you want to...?"

"Uh... How about... Tonight? I mean, we're here at the Citadel for now. Why not meet at the apartment later tonight?"

"Wait, tonight? But we..."

"What's the matter?"

"Uh, nothing. I just need to get some things."

"Things? Plural? What are you getting?"

"I can't tell you. It's a surprise." Kaidan mumbled to himself, embarrassed.

"I'm intrigued." And a little bit horny.

"And I need somewhere to get ready."

"I'm more intrigued."

"I'm serious, John."

"You can't get ready in our bathroom?"

"...Not if you're going to be here. There's no surprise if you're there."

"Fine. Well, Your Majesty can use the apartment. I'll get ready here and meet you."

"Great. That works. So... uh..." Kaidan smiled. "Do you have to go right now?"

Shepard smirked. "Are you propositioning me?"

"If I were, could you pretend it was in a sexy way?"

 

Shepard's idea of preparation was scouring data. He did that in his free time and he tried to read through as much as he could.

There were some intimidating sites on the extranet. Things about how to please your lover could be read in a variety of magazines though he found a lot of them seemed to be written by asari. Not that they weren't wise, but it was shocking to learn how many asari were knowledgeable about male physiology. 

"Supplements for improved sexual wellness..." Those seemed frightening. With any likelihood they were distilled krogan urine. Pass.

"Calcium supplements for bone health." He was already taking vitamin supplements with Dr. Chakwas. Gummy Blasto vitamins. He took his gummy vitamin now that he remembered it. Dr. Chakwas would be proud.

"Cybernetic implants for growth...? Why would... Oh, no I get it. Right. Growth." Shepard nodded. He remembered he had cybernetic implants of his own from Cerberus. Did that mean...? No, probably not. Then again, he didn't really know what they did exactly.

"How to use your biotics to spice things up?" Shepard smirked. That could be fun. Kaidan could be... adventurous. "Let's see... 'Generating mass effect fields can stimulate the sexual organs of...' Oh. Wow. That is... descriptive. And there are pictures." Shepard glanced at them. There was a vid demonstration.

"Ladies, is your bondmate biologically male?" A friendly asari matriarch, spoke from the vid.

"Yes." Shepard answered her, getting more comfortable to watch.

"Well, then this show is for you. The ins and outs of how to please your man!" A crowd was cheering though maybe it was canned laughter. "The first thing you'll want to deal with is smoothness. If your bondmate is human or salarian, you'll want to make sure that your skin is soft. Turian men generally like a little roughness on their women and krogan... Well, my bondmate - a krogan, ladies - he isn't so fussy about things the humans worry about like hair..."

"Hair?" Shepard suddenly felt like a gorilla.

"No, he cares about my figure. Which, if you follow your biotic exercise regimen, there's no problem at all." Shepard was imagining Kaidan. Sweating to the oldies. With biotics. He snickered. "But if your bondmate is human, you might have to pay a little more attention to your hair."

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"Human men sometimes like their mates to have smooth legs and a trimmed... private area, let us say."

"Huh..." Shepard thought about it. It was kind of true. Some men did. Shepard looked down at his legs. He knew they were pretty hairy under the folds of his pants.

"As for turians, they prefer their women..."

Shepard stopped listening as he looked at his legs. Was Kaidan that type of guy? Did he prefer his women smooth? Shepard had only been with women who had shaved themselves. It wasn't that he asked them to, it was just something that was already in place before he was involved. Kaidan probably had been with women who also shaved. Now that John was thinking about it, he was sure Kaidan would notice the difference with his hairy legs.

He pondered it for a moment.

Before he knew it, he was in the bathroom with his razor. It was the same one he used for his head, so it was pretty strong and good at large patches of hair. Taking off his clothes he realized how hairy he was. Chin, small bit on his chest and stomach, arms, armpits, legs, pubic area... Jesus, no wonder humans evolved from apes.

"Mmm... Maybe not my armpits." He'd tried that once when he was first learning to shave. Growing hair was itchy. He'd tried to shave his armpits with no real success. It was uneven and hurt and itched even more when it came back in.

And he didn't really trust a razor near anything... intimate. Sure, it was PROBABLY safe, but why take that kind of chance? 

"...A trim never hurt anyone."

At least he could tame the jungle a bit. Maybe not all the way, but kind of like... using a machete. In a jungle.

"Hah. A tropical forest. Cuz I'm so hot." These were the kinds of things he should've kept to himself. He was alone anyway. 

Except for EDI. There was always EDI.

He started up his razor but before he began he knew he needed some kind of dropcloth. He got that prepared and began. There was an annoying buzzing sound from it as he sheared some of the tangled curls from his pubic area. It actually looked better already. He continued until they were kind of there, but not really. He was sure he could probably get a closer shave with a regular razor. No. The phobia of slipping and cutting something important... made him not want to.

"Okay. One part down... Two to go."

He glanced down. He was getting hard. It was because he was holding his penis cupped in his hand to get at hidden flesh but it was kind of exciting. Getting ready for Kaidan.

It was meant to be a trim. Nothing that would be... too short. He knew shaving usually required lotion afterwards when it was deep to help soothe the skin. He wasn't sure it was necessary. Halfway through with one leg he realized how much hair he actually had.

"...Maybe I should stop." He looked again. No. He'd already made it partway. He'd look stupid with only one leg partly shaved. Too late now.

He finished the one leg and then did the other. If he put it on his head he could probably make a Kaidan wig out of it. No that was gross.

He turned to admire himself in the mirror. 

"Shit." He'd forgotten the back of his legs.

He started up the razor again. And as he was turning he noticed some hair on his ass... And... Yeah, might as well.

When he was finished shaving, he looked down at his dropcloth with a look of disdain. Gross.

He dumped the discarded hair and began a shower to wash off any remaining hair. He had to admit, the feeling was a bit exciting.

 

Kaidan looked down at the racks of clothing and supplies and made a face. This was probably too much.

Earlier, he had gone to Cortez with advice on the matter. He could've gone to a woman to ask, Liara would've been his first choice but Cortez had unique experiences being gay that he needed to be able to get this underway.

"Well, first..." Cortez was a bit uneasy, not sure it was proper to talk about his commanding officer's sex life with his commanding officer's boyfriend. Too late now. Kaidan was desperate. "I guess, you have to decide which one of you is... Well... the giver."

"Giver?"

"Uh... Okay. When it's a man and a woman, it doesn't really matter who's more dominant or not in the relationship. Nine times out of ten, the man is the one who... enters her. Right?"

"...Yeah." Kaidan nodded. All of his encounters were with women who were much more outgoing than he was. But he was still the one who penetrated her. It now occurred to him that Cortez was saying that with two men, that depended.

"Well, with two men, it depends." Kaidan nodded. Knew it. "It's... There's different terminology, I guess."

"Terminology?" Was there a gay quiz too?

"Well, tops... generally give. And bottoms usually receive. But those terms mean... different things in different situations. Um... Tops are stereotypically the 'masculine' ones and bottoms are the stereotypically 'feminine' ones."

"...Okay." Kaidan made a face. He was NOT feminine. Even though he had better hair than Shepard. And he smelled better. And he would probably look better in heels. Wait, what? No. Ignore that.

"But that's a load of bullshit, really. Most guys are a little of both. They might enjoy one more, but most men in a relationship try both. It's exceedingly rare that two men don't switch it up at least once."

"Oh. Okay." That made him feel better. A little.

"But the first time's a bit strange if you've never been with a man. You've only had it one way up til now." Not even now. But he knew what Cortez meant. "So, you have to figure out if you want to receive or you think you're ready to give."

"What do you mean 'think I'm ready'?"

"I mean, it's... Okay. Can I be really honest with you? Candor, I mean." Trying to dance around terminology in sex was tedious.

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Okay. Truth is, a woman's vagina self-lubricates. Doesn't mean you don't use lube, of course, but a man's ass... It's much drier so as a bottom you either prepare yourself or as a top you prepare your bottom. Or the bottom prepares himself but I'm guessing Shepard and you never had that conversation."

"...No. We didn't."

"Right. Well, you're going to need lube. And a lot. Some condoms are lubricated but it's generally best to have some on hand just in case. And water-based. Oil-based will destroy condoms."

"I... think I knew that?" Did he? Probably. Maybe. 

"And... okay. Again. Honestly, the prep can be a bit gross. I mean... it's basically... the end part of your digestion track so you want to clean yourself out before you do it, ideally. Just because it can be a bit gross if you... Well. It's an ass. I mean. You know."

Kaidan had never thought about that. Oh, God, he was thinking about it.

"How do I... clean... myself out?"

"Use an enema. Warm water, no chemicals. You've got blood vessels in there and the skin is very thin. I knew a guy in college who had a stomach ache so he gave himself a beer enema to get drunk. That's how thin they are."

Now he never wanted to drink beer again. This was a perfect conversation.

"So... an enema."

"Yeah. Well. Either that or... take your chances. Honestly though? Men don't wash their ass and balls enough. Even gay ones."

Kaidan made a mental checklist to wash his ass and balls.

"Anything else?"

"Mainly it's about attitude. If it turns out you like receiving, it's fine. Most guys, barring a medical thing, have a prostate. So, if you find it, it helps. Still. Lots of lube. Also back to the top and bottom thing..."

"Uh huh...?"

"Some people will put it on attitude. That if you act a certain way you're a bottom or a top. And it's not like that. People just like what they like. But there are plenty of guys who are more dominant who prefer to receive anal and submissive guys who enjoy giving. So it's a mixed bag."

Well that made him feel better. Almost.

"Anything else I need to know?"

"Lube. Condoms. Enema... Uh..." Cortez thought. "I guess it depends really on what Shepard likes. And what you're into. Maybe dress sexy for him?"

"Like... Like what?"

"Well, if you were going to dress sexy for a girl, what would you do?"

"Probably a suit or something."

"That might be a bit formal but... it's not a bad idea."

Kaidan thought about it. When girls tried to dress sexy for him it was... lingerie usually. A nice formal outfit and lingerie. Lingerie? Should he... no. He couldn't think of anything he'd look particularly good in.

"Okay. I'll think on it."

"Well, there is one more thing."

"What is it?"

"If you bottom... you... might want to prepare yourself."

"More than the enema?"

"I mean, to open yourself up a bit. It's... very tight, especially if you've never done it before. You should use lube and... fingers or... a toy...?" The last part was said quietly.

"Oh." Kaidan understood. He was shocked and very quickly said a thank you before he excused himself to go shopping...

Which was where he was now... Dying a bit on the inside.

 

"I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite ass on the Citadel." Shepard smirked checking himself out in the mirror. Jeans, shirt, leather jacket. Simple, stylish. Casual.

Or maybe dress up more? Nah. This was fine. Kaidan would be fine with this.

He was making faces in the mirror. It took everything in him not to put his hands down his pants to check out his smoothness.

He made his way back to his datapad and began some more research.

"Positions..."

He knew the basic ones. He just... wanted to see if there was anything he could do to shock his lover. Also he made a mental note to look up oral sex. Maybe he could coach Kaidan? Maybe improve himself.

Did he need condoms? No. Well. No.

He hadn't had sex since... since... Well, Dr. Chakwas had him checked out and there was nothing. That was recently. He hadn't had sex recently. Wow it had been a while. So he was fine. Kaidan was fine too. He thought. Yeah. Kaidan hadn't had sex for a much longer time than Shepard.

"Not until tonight." He smirked to himself. The idea of having Kaidan all to himself was distracting him. 

He'd bring condoms. Just in case. Though his were his own size. 

That was a thought.

What if Kaidan was a different size. No. He'd seen it before. It wasn't that different.

Wait. Was it bigger or smaller than his own?

Probably a bit bigger. He thought about it. Should he be insecure about that? Nah. It was Kaidan. It didn't matter.

He'd looked up some stuff and he was no "size queen". Whatever queen meant. 

Sure, Kaidan may have had better hair than him. And a better ass. And a better tan... But there was no reason to be insecure.

None at all. Even if Kaidan did turn out to have a huge horse cock.

Wait. How was he going to swallow that if he did. Shit. Damn Kaidan and his horse cock!

"...Let's check out oral first."

There were instructional vids. With... okay, that was a bit weird. It was all computer-generated dramatizations. Nothing obscene and it showed how... gag reflex worked.

"Always remember to tuck your teeth behind your lips." The vid spoke.

"Behind the lips!" Shepard nodded, finally understanding. Genius!

"And remember to come up for air if you need it. Never let someone hold you down if you can't breathe."

"...Right. Like swimming."

Swimming in cock. Horse cock. Sea horse cock. Wait, what?

"For novices, flavored lubrication may make it easier. By lubricating the throat, there is less struggle and less gagging. But always remember to breathe through your nose."

Flavored lube? Did they make that? How could people have created flavored lube and not be able to make mass relays themselves? When did they become that advanced?

"Breathe through nose..."

"Sometimes olive oil can be used. A swallow of olive oil helps coat the throat and protect it from damage by decreasing friction."

They had olive oil at the apartment. Good.

He continued his research into positions. There was one where a man did a handstand. The man who penetrated stood over the man who received like two pairs of scissors that were trying to cut each other. The man standing on his feet would hold up the legs while doing squatting motions, effectively fucking the man sideways and upside down. 

Maybe start with missionary. That... seemed safest.

 

On Kaidan's end, he was in This One's Intimate Apparel looking for something sexy to wear.

To his eternal mortification, he'd already gone out and bought other supplies. He had to find his way to an adult store.

Asking Avina to direct him to one had been the most mortifying experience of his life. Because Avina calmly but loudly stated directions to an adult sex shop in the Wards while people passed by, making odd looks to each other.

And he had purchased an enema tube that was really point and click... or... squeeze, once it was filled with water. Which was good. He liked simple.

And he bought lube. He really did debate getting bacon flavor. But... it was the only time in his life that bacon did not make the meal better. 

Wait. Meal?

It was strawberry. Strawberry seemed safe. There was chocolate but it was a brown liquid that... well... on his ass it would... just no. There was mint flavored but it reminded him of toothpaste and mint was cooling, which maybe was a good idea but having his ass chilled sounded unpleasant for the first time. It was self-warming.

Oh. And Kaidan had decided that rather than push Shepard into giving himself an enema and preparing himself, it would be far less embarrassing - infinitely less embarrassing - if Kaidan decided to be the bottom for the first time. He hadn't thought of how to broach the conversation that Shepard might want to bottom and how to prepare but he was more focused on his own embarrassment.

He'd bought a buttplug. That was... also mortifying. He didn't know the correct size to get. So he just decided to wing it. It didn't SEEM big, but maybe it would be when he tried it. The trouble was deciding to get a normal one... or one that vibrated for 10 additional credits. Well... why not treat yourself? 

And now the remote controlled vibrating buttplug was in his bag and Jesus Christ did it sound like he was the biggest pervert in the world when he thought about it. The bag was opaque. Only he knew what was in it. But somehow a three word description of a sex toy made it dirty. Especially when it wasn't the generic buttplug. No. It was the remote controlled vibrating one. That title made it dirty. Also hot, but mostly dirty. No, mostly hot.

And Kaidan was staring at negligees and night gowns. Kaidan would look ridiculous in a sheer nightgown. Something for men.

And then he found a wall of underwear.

Mesh underwear, sheer underwear, pantyhose for men. This was a terrible mistake.

Oh. Wait. Jockstrap? Jockstraps were... kind of sexy. Well. On the right person. With the right ass. It boosted them and was sporty. It made it seem like you were vital. Active.

Kaidan mentally berated himself for getting hard in the underwear aisle of This One's Intimate Apparel. 

It was something about it. Maybe it was the feeling of danger or risk. Exhibitionism? Having his ass hanging out under his clothes was... sexy. Because if Shepard pulled his pants down he'd find... Before he knew it, he was grabbing a 5-pack, which was on sale. They either came separately or in this 5-pack and the 5-pack was less expensive given the value.

"Hello, customer. May this one be of assistance?"

Kaidan turned. Oh shit. It was This One.

"Uh. Hi. I... I... uh..."

"You need not be nervous, human. This one's shop is full of clothing and sundries to aid in intimate encounters."

"I think I'm just... going to get this."

"Mm." The hanar spoke slowly. "This one suggests that in addition to the current purchase that the 10-pack of human undergarments labeled 'Suggestion Box' also be purchased. The Suggestion Box item has not sold as well as anticipated and it is on sale. For 5 additional credits to your current purchase, this one would let you buy the Suggestion Box 10-pack of undergarments."

"Oh." That seemed like a deal. 5 more credits? Kaidan looked at them. They were a 10-pack of briefs. A bit skimpy from the picture but seemed like speedo-type briefs. They came in all seven colors of the rainbow plus pink, black and white. "Sure. I'll get one."

"Excellent. This one is happy to have been of service. Is there anything else this one can assist in?"

"Uhh... Well, I'm looking for something... something not too revealing, but something that... says sexy?" He was discussing his sex life with a hanar. Oh, God.

"This one would suggest a camisole?"

"Oh. Not for... uh... her." He was lying to a hanar about his sex life. Oh, God. "For me."

"Hm. Is this for private use or for public wear?"

"...I'll... I'm gonna say public. I think... I've got... private use covered."

"Understood. This one would suggest one of our suits made from an asari design. Pinstripes, a plunging neckline and a sharp blazer make the outfit sensual yet permissible in public spaces."

Always the damn pinstripe suits. "Okay. I'll... I'll give it a try."

He looked damn sexy in the suit. And it wasn't that expensive.

As he walked out he heard "I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel." and did a double-take.

When had Shepard been here?

When...?

Why?

...Never mind.

If he brought it up, he'd be busted.

But he really wanted to know.

 

As Kaidan moved out of the store, praying to every alien god that no one would check his bag, he noticed a rack of Blasto boxers for sale.

Oh.

Anticlimactic.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the awkwardness continues. And then there's sex.
> 
> I feel like Kaidan is actually REALLY kinky and no one knows about it because he seems like his integrity makes him vanilla. But in fact, his integrity makes him... funfetti? Wait. No. Scratch that.
> 
> I really wish some of this wasn't based on true life experiences but... yeah.
> 
> My only regret with this work is that I was going to have Shepard find out about turian homosexuality by finding a porn vid of a "Garrus" with the "Primarch"... and then Garrus swearing revenge. But it was getting very long and I didn't know how to work it in.

It was shaping up to be the most awkward day of Kaidan's life as he came home.

Home.

The apartment. Not his home, but... home? He liked calling it home.

He checked his bookmarked pages on same-sex relationship to-dos and to-don'ts on his omnitool.

He still had to take a shower and make sure to wash his ass and balls. Wow, that did not sound romantic. And then get dressed. 

And they had wine. Or beer.

No. No beer. Not... for a while. Kaidan shuddered.

Enema, lube, sexy wear, vibrating butt plug... what else?

"Fuck, I sound like I'm on the most perverted scavenger hunt..."

Oh. There was one. 

He wanted to do something about his skin. He knew that Shepard had been with women and they were... softer than men were. Shepard was hard and sturdy and at times rough but... maybe in a lover he wanted... smooth?

Or maybe it would be less weird if he tried it that way.

It made more sense at the time.

And he had to shower and shave anyway so why not?

The thing was a homemade recipe... all he needed was olive oil, sugar and lemon juice.

He pulled them out of the cabinets and put them on the table next to his toys and underwear.

"...I feel like I'm making a really perverted cake now."

After mixing olive oil, sugar and lemon juice together he went upstairs to the bedroom and put his things on the bed before going to the bathroom. 

A long hot shower, a close shave for his beard... He also trimmed his pubes a bit. The static from biotic energy made his normal hair poofy but it was like a curly circus for his pubic hair if he let it grow too long.

Just a trim. And... now to figure out how enemas worked.

Enemas were actually the most uncomfortable thing and he didn't know if he was doing it right but it seemed to be working and had the desired effect he'd read about and... well, it was generally gross but there was one less thing he had to worry about when it actually happened.

"Now what...?"

He moved out of the bathroom and looked at his things. Underwear and his suit he could put on later...

Right. Stretch himself out. Yay.

Well. The thing for making his legs soft needed to be applied and he needed to wait for it to work a bit so... 

He moved to the bathroom again, struggled with the package until his buttplug was free and worked the lube on it. 

It was difficult at first since he couldn't exactly see what he was doing, having to pull his cheeks apart and attempt. And then attempt again. More lube. It was working. Slowly but surely. It wasn't too big but it did make him feel... full.

Luckily he was clean inside so... 

He pushed it all the way in, moved it around slowly, withdrew it... pushed it in again. It did keep hitting a sensitive spot, he noticed. Something that made a husky growl come out of him.

Prostate? He didn't know. He'd never... felt it stimulated before. And... damn. That... did feel good. 

He had to stop teasing himself though, he was afraid he'd release.

Cortez warned him that if he was going to bottom, then it would probably be best if he waited for Shepard to orgasm first. Not because it was a top-bottom thing, but because the one who was bottoming would surely tense up and it became painful once the orgasm was over. The muscles would seize up hard. During foreplay, the ass might be stimulated and ready but once all the endorphins subsided, it would hurt if Shepard was still thrashing around inside him.

He trusted Cortez's advice and tried not to dwell on how he knew that.

He applied the mixture on his legs. It felt abrasive from the sugar crystals but... kind of good. The oil at least made his legs feel pretty smooth. He did everything in his power to not begin masturbating right there as he sat down on the toilet seat, waiting for the mixture to take effect. Sitting down made it hit the nerve again and he moaned a bit.

Inquisitively, he moved forward and then back... then side to side. And then rocked a bit. It kept nudging something in him that made him want to continue.

It was clouding his judgement and he almost started to jerk his hardened and dripping cock. The thing that stopped him was the feeling of sugar crystals abrasively hitting his cock. He swore and seethed backing his hand off his cock. It was like masturbating with sandpaper.

Rocking back and forth on it made him want to touch himself but he couldn't.

 

_"Yeah. That's right Kaidan. No touching... It's not allowed. Only I touch you..."_

He shouldn't have read those dirty stories. In his defense, he was looking for ideas on how to please Shepard more. 

He then found himself swept up in a pornado of dirty stories with terrible porn lines but sexy fantasies. And though Kaidan had not considered himself kinky before he... was definitely willing to try now. The idea of being the poor submissive one was almost as tempting as being the hot dominant one.

He couldn't really decide if he wanted Shepard to slam him on the grand piano and fuck him hard even if he hit some discordant keys... or if he wanted to push Shepard up against the wall with his biotics, fuck him hard and if he got tired, he'd lift Shepard up and let him slide down his cock.

Damn. He was leaking hard.

"Please, sir..." That one just slipped out. Talking to his fantasy was actually sexier than he thought it would be. 

_"You heard me. No touching. Do you want to be punished again?"_

"N-No, sir..."

Kaidan rocked forward and... moving his hands to steady himself, he placed his hand on the edge of the sink but knocked something as his hand came down.

A sudden whirling filled the air and Kaidan nearly jumped out of his skin feeling the buttplug begin to vibrate as he'd hit the remote control.

"Oh cock, shit, fuck..." He swore in rapid succession as heavy vibrations thrust against his prostate and Kaidan all but slammed the remote control again to make it stop.

Breathing heavily he swore again, heart pounding, cock aching and decided to give himself a break.

...

Kaidan washed off the mixture and finished shaving while the buttplug lay forlorn and forsaken on the sink. Kaidan had never eyed any object so much with equal parts excitement and contempt... except EDI's new body when he first found out about it.

"Jesus, fuck me I'm too old for this..."

Kaidan saw his cock. It was starting to wilt after looking away from the plug. Damn thing. 

He'd never seen so much dead skin come off him in his life. His legs looked incredibly smooth and his pumice stone was really working as he worked off dead skin. Dead skin wasn't sexy. He was okay with that.

When he was cleaned up, he cleaned up the shower's floor so no one would slip on olive oil and couldn't stop feeling his legs.

"Wow... Shit really works..." He felt smooth. Really smooth. He'd washed off the olive oil with soap since water wasn't cutting it alone and now that his hands were clean he decided to get dressed.

He could feel his hole twitching. It was excited again. The plug. The legs he couldn't stop feeling. The sexy underwear. The everything.

...

He looked back at the plug. Maybe... No. He'd be too tempted.

But if he wore the jockstrap and the plug he'd... wait... that'd...

His mind flashed to Shepard walking home, giving Kaidan a knowing look and before he'd know better, Kaidan would find himself bending over the railing as Shepard would then pull his pants down and...

_"I thought so... Look at you, slut. Easy access to your hole. Just what daddy likes..."_

He'd read a lot of bad porn. A lot of bad porn...

_"Please, sir..." He'd mumble._

_"You want it?"_

_"Yes..."_

_"Beg."_

_"Please... Please, sir..."_

_"Damn, boy. You're already preparing yourself for me? Damn, boy. You must really want it..."_

...

"Jesus fucking Christ, I'm fucking depraved." Kaidan muttered to himself.

He looked at the clock. Shit.

Shepard would be over soon. He took the plug, dried it off, stuffed it in the nightstand where it could do no further harm.

He took a deep breath and put the remote control on the nightstand before he moved over to his clothes.

Although normally walking around naked in Shepard's apartment wouldn't have been such a turn-on, his recent fantasies into exhibitionism were making it hard to feel like he wasn't a dutiful slave waiting for his master to come home where clothing had been forbidden for boys. 

Oh, God. So much bad porn.

 

He pulled on the jockstrap and admired his ass in the mirror. Wow. It... wow. It was like a training bra. For ass cheeks.

"Wow." Kaidan smirked at himself in the mirror. Sure, he was gifted but... that was a whole other kind of gift.

Out of curiosity, Kaidan opened the Suggestion Box package, just to see. He could at least put the underwear away in a drawer.

He blanched when he saw them.

The front was fine. But on the back it... There were words on them. That was never a good sign, but they... were kind of kinky words. They'd been folded in such a way in the packaging that the wording couldn't be read until opened and now that they were...

Ten briefs, a bit low cut and intimate in design, with ten different... things.

They each had one word on them but the word differed from brief to brief, all written in black lettering except for the indigo, violet and black briefs which had white lettering.

Red said SPANK. Orange, PINCH. Yellow, STROKE. Green LICK. Blue, BITE. Indigo, WHIP. Violet, SQUEEZE. Pink, KISS. White, FUCK. Black, DOMINATE.

"..." Kaidan had never been so dumbstruck. Literally speechless. Wide-eyed and speechless. 

He couldn't see any situation that would end well if he actually wore those.

Well. No.

He could... fantasize them. Something about SPANK, SQUEEZE, and DOMINATE really made him want to be spanked, squeezed and dominated.

Somehow having Shepard in those briefs didn't quite have the same effect as the idea of Shepard finding him wearing one of those. Sure, having Shepard underneath him was kind of a turn on but he wasn't sure how he felt about anyone but him wearing those briefs. 

"...Oh, shit. Am I a bottom?"

Maybe a little bit submissive. Maybe a lot a bit dominant if he wanted Shepard up against the wall. Or maybe he just had a latent underwear fetish since in all his fantasies of having Shepard at his mercy, he wasn't wearing anything but Kaidan couldn't deny the thrill of having Shepard undress him to such surprise.

Was that exhibitionism or an underwear fetish?

...He was learning way too much about what a kinky freak he was turning out to be.

He pushed the vision of Shepard putting Kaidan over his knee (with the vibrating buttplug going underneath the briefs) as far from his mind as his mind would let him push it as he shoved the briefs into a drawer next to... a collection of Blasto boxers.

That was something he could never unsee. He shook his head.

Damn you, This One.

 

Kaidan got dressed and tried to act casually. Shepard sent a message saying that he would pick up dinner and Kaidan would choose the alcohol.

Which didn't work at all in practice since he knew that you drank certain things with other certain things. You didn't drink vodka with pizza or white wine with Chinese food.

"Idiot." Kaidan mumbled to himself. He smiled though. Shepard was his idiot. His.

And he was back to thinking about the red underwear. He pushed that from his head again along with the thought of how slutty red underwear was before making sure he was ready.

Ready. Ready... for sex. No. Don't say that. Never say that.

Shepard opened the door and scared the life out of Kaidan.

"Kaidan! I'm here." He called up to Kaidan as he walked in, carrying a large tray of sushi. Infinitely large. 

"Hey. Shepard. You're... wow. That... is a lot of food." Guess they were having sake.

"Yeah. Ryuusei... is open."

"Uh... Ryuusei doesn't deliver. As far as I know." Kaidan saw the tray and smiled slightly.

"They don't. But. They were afraid I'd stay." Shepard chuckled and Kaidan laughed.

Oh, God. He wanted this idiot.

"Yeah. Well. Maybe the sushi they gave you is from all the fish that you killed."

"I didn't kill them... The... bullet holes in the tank, which weren't mine, conspired... with... gravity and... air."

"I see. Well, I'm glad you're here."

"You look... nice."

"Thanks." Plus one point for Kaidan. "I didn't have anything really decent to wear aside from the blues since I left Earth in a hurry. Figured dress to impress."

"I'm impressed." Shepard smiled; of course Shepard was dressed in the jeans and the leather jacket but damn if it didn't look good. But he was impressed, plus another point. "Pinstripes, huh?"

"Sexy?"

"Yeah." John made a wicked smirk. "Kind of like something out of an extranet fetish site."

Minus one thousand points for Kaidan.

 

"Haha... It's... not what you think."

"Really? I hope it is."

Kaidan felt himself pressed against the wall by Shepard after he put the sushi down. And then they were back to kissing again.

Shepard was exploring the plunging neckline of Kaidan's shirt intimately with his mouth as Kaidan struggled between holding his legs open as Shepard pressed in and grabbing Shepard with his hands.

"Hands above your head, Kaidan." John smirked but said it in a flippant way, as if expecting resistance.

"Yes, sir..." Kaidan obeyed, lost in the SPANK briefs for a moment and obeyed. Shepard was surprised but not complaining.

"You don't have to call me sir tonight."

"Right. S... Shepard." 

Oh God. Shepard was fiddling with his pants. Kaidan suddenly realized he was wearing the jockstrap and was... more embarrassed than sane at this point. He quickly grabbed Shepard's hands and pulled them away.

"Hey. I may not be your CO tonight but I could still put you over my knee."

Kaidan uttered the most disconcerting and awkward chuckle of his life. "I... Well, we should eat. Right? The sushi. Don't want it to get... warm?"

"It's got ice under the tray..." Shepard was pressing that space next to Kaidan's Adam's apple and damn did it...

"Y-Yeah but... what if the ice melts? Come on. We shouldn't waste food. You know orphans on Tuchanka don't have the privileges we have to eat fresh food." Shepard gave him a look. "Sorry. My... mom always used to say that when I wouldn't eat broccoli."

"Okay." Shepard backed off, a bit disappointed he hadn't been able to fully show what he'd learned but even so... if Kaidan was hungry. 

They ate sushi awkwardly together, making eye contact and smiling and chuckling at nothing but saying nothing.

The sake helped a bit.

"So... how was your day?"

"Not bad. Learned a few things. Things I... want to try out on you."

"Don't... don't we have to wait 45 minutes?"

"If you get a cramp, I'll make sure to rub it out for you."

"Oh. Okay." That plan was foiled. "So... uhh... what kind of things did you learn?"

"Asari ways to please a male bondmate."

"Asari?"

"Yeah. They recommend biotics. And I can't wait to see what you can do."

Kaidan smiled awkwardly. "I'll do my best."

"Is something wrong?"

"No. Nothing. Just... been a long day. And I keep feeling like an idiot around you."

"What? Why?"

"Because I spent the entire day... wondering what you'd want. What you'd think. I... didn't know if you'd want to be the top or the bottom. I learned more about tops and bottoms than I ever wanted to know. I tried to look sexy for you... which that worked, so, good on me for that. And... Just... a lot of stuff was weird."

"...I shaved my legs today."

"...You what?"

"Asari said that most human males don't like hairy legs so... Well, I shaved it."

"...Are you putting me on?"

"You want me to take my pants off now?"

"No, no I believe you just... wow."

"I wanted to impress you. Well, I wanted to not... drive you away. I know you haven't had it easy these past few months with everything going on but now that we're together I wanted to show you that I care."

"Wow, Shepard. You... didn't have to do that. I don't mind your hairy legs so much."

"I also shaved my ass."

"I've never seen your hairy ass to know it was hairy."

"Well, it's not now."

"...I trimmed my pubes for you?" That was all Kaidan was willing to admit for now.

"Really? Mine are pretty much bare."

"...You know you don't have to make it a competition."

"I'm just saying, on a scale of who tried harder here, I think it was me."

Kaidan gave him a look of surprise and mock hurt. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. You put on a fancy suit and trimmed some hair... I bullied a Frenchman into giving me Japanese food and shaved for you."

"You have no idea what I went through for you today."

"Kaidan, I think it's obvious you have the better boyfriend."

"You did not just say that to me."

"I think I did."

"Take it back."

"You gonna do something about that, Major?"

"I think you're wrong."

"I think you should prove it."

 

Really, someone should have put away the sushi.

Before they knew it, they were upstairs and grabbing at each other like they couldn't get their clothes off fast enough. 

Shoes and socks went flying.

Shepard's jacket and shirt were gone and the jeans were unzipped.

Kaidan all but biotically slammed Shepard onto the bed before he was straddling him and pulling off his jacket and shirt. It had done its job.

Shepard was sitting up on the bed and paying Kaidan's nipples some very special attention before Kaidan felt it.

His pants were unzipped.

Shepard's hands dipped to his waistband and moved to go under his waistband to feel Kaidan's ass and then...

"What the hell?"

Busted.

Shepard's hand went under the waistband and instead of finding fabric, he found nothing clinging to Kaidan's ass now that the pants were mostly off.

"Shepard I-"

"Oh my God." Shepard was cracking up. He gave the waistband a few good-natured tugs, before letting it snap back like a rubber band. "What did you do today, Kaidan?"

"I told you... You have the better boyfriend." Nice save.

"Mm... Maybe. I'm not convinced."

Shepard pulled the pants off of Kaidan, smiling all the time as he felt Kaidan's ass and hips and thighs and... smooth smooth legs.

"...Convinced now?" Kaidan wasn't the only one who couldn't keep his hands off his legs. Shepard laughed and felt the smoothness before pulling the legstraps of the jockstrap and snapping them like a rubber band over Kaidan's ass.

"Fine. I'll say... we're even. Unless you have any more surprises."

...Best not to touch that one.

Before Kaidan knew it, Shepard was rolling him over to pull off his briefs, black Alliance brand. Not too spectacular. But Kaidan was now feeling up Shepard's legs as he was the one being straddled. It was hard to resist. It wasn't smooth, but it did feel nice. 

"Mm..."

"You like?"

"Oh, yeah. I like it when you shave and get it ready for me, bitch." Kaidan laughed a bit at the end. Porn lines were so terrible.

"...You've been surfing the extranet haven't you."

"...You could say that."

"I think I read that story."

"Oh, God."

"No, that happened later..." Shepard smiled and pulled back before flipping Kaidan over onto his stomach. "Right during this part."

"Oh, fuck..." Kaidan breathed out. He knew what was happening. 

He felt Shepard move back in, lightly teasing the waistband of the jockstrap before he began to lick at Kaidan's hole.

And may God bless enemas forever.

"Wow. You're pretty into this... Didn't expect you to be this loose..."

And with any luck he'd never know how that happened. 

Kaidan moaned garbled praises and swears and enough God's to fill a pantheon into the bedsheets. He'd never been rimmed before in his life and now he was wishing he'd been wise to it earlier. Shepard had proven he was superior with his tongue work all across the board. 

Kaidan's face was flushed and red, his hair starting to disassemble from the put-together pomp as strands began to stick to his forehead. 

"Oh, shit..." Kaidan felt Shepard pause momentarily to withdraw. Wrong thing to say.

But Shepard quickly realized what that meant and played it off as a pause in the festivities, kissing at Kaidan's back. 

"Are you ready?"

Kaidan rolled over on his back. He could see Shepard's expression was lustful. Kaidan's was even more so.

"Y-Yeah..."

"Wait. Before... well... did you... Well." Shepard suddenly realized he hadn't discussed that with Kaidan.

"I want you. In me. I have never wanted anything in my ass but... today... I want you." Kaidan smiled, which quickly turned impish. "And if you're up for it later, I'll be more than happy to show you how to do it properly."

"Ouch." Shepard chuckled. "One porn binge and you're the Kama Sutra?"

"Well, you have to be up for it, Shepard. You know. _Up_ for it."

"Oh, I see... so you're saying you want me to beat your ass, first is that it?" Shepard laughed.

"Well, I know you've been in the military a long time. A loooong time. And you're a Commander and a captain so you're used to people falling in line." Kaidan moved in close and gave Shepard's ass a VIOLET followed by an ORANGE. "But I'm a Major. And I outrank you."

"You're pulling rank?" Shepard recovered Kaidan's playful hands.

"I just want to make sure that you can... stand at attention properly."

"Okay, laugh it up, Captain Canada... We'll see how much you laugh when I'm through with you."

"The lube's over there, subordinate officer."

Shepard laughed and moved to get it though Kaidan gave Shepard a playful RED on the ass as he went. 

Kaidan pulled off his jockstrap now that there was no real need for it. He smirked and fashioned it into a rubber band gun, aiming at Shepard and firing. It almost hit him, falling close to the dresser.

"Really? You know they give demerits for not keeping your room clean, soldier." Shepard chided him as he grabbed the lube and bent down to pick up the jockstrap. "I mean, really, you'd be cleaning floors with your... toothbrush."

Shepard spotted something odd about the dresser.

"What is it?"

Shepard could see a bit of red fabric poking out from his Blasto drawer. 

Thank God for enemas, because Kaidan's heart nearly dropped out of his ass.

As Shepard pulled the drawer open, his eyes went wide seeing the rainbow of fabric.

And right then, Kaidan wished that the Citadel would fall into a black hole.

"Oh. My God." Shepard was laughing so hard he couldn't stand properly. He held up the red briefs which clearly said SPANK on them as Kaidan wished more and more that a hole would swallow him. "You... did not..."

"Shepard, it's not funny."

"No! No it really... it really is..." Shepard was dying of laughter. Kaidan almost wished he would. Shepard moved to a separate drawer and opened it, stifling his laughter somewhat and pulled out... another pair of red briefs that said SPANK.

"...Wait."

"This One's Intimate Apparel?" Shepard was laughing too hard. Kaidan caught on laughing too. 

"This One's Intimate Apparel." Kaidan was laughing now too. All those Blasto boxers for sale.

Damn you, This One.

Shepard laughed and put the underwear away, grabbing the lube.

"Anything else you want to tell me, Murphy's Law?"

"I think that's it."

Shepard laughed and moved into bed, kissing Kaidan like wild as he fumbled with the bottle of lube. 

He moved to place it on the nightstand but inadvertently hit something with the bottle of lube.

All of a sudden, a buzzing sound came from the nightstand.

And Shepard looked at it, confused, head tilted as Kaidan sunk into the mattress waiting for merciful oblivion.

 

All in all it was a pretty good first time, once they'd stopped laughing.

Kaidan was apprehensive at first. Shepard used the knowledge he'd acquired over the days of researching to make sure Kaidan was fully stretched before pushing in slowly.

Kaidan did his best not to moan, though he ended up moaning right into Shepard's collarbone.

John spread Kaidan's legs apart as he remembered in his revisiting of the missionary position, hoping to God that Kaidan didn't hear his knee pop and crack when he leaned forward. Of course, Kaidan did, but he acted like nothing was happening because his solution to awkwardness was to ignore it and not point and laugh like Shepard.

Kaidan moaned again when he felt Shepard all the way in and found himself staring, wanting, into Shepard's eyes. A small nod was all the permission Shepard needed to go gently at first. The rocking motion was familiar but well worth it and no buzzing toy that had its batteries removed now compared to the fullness or the feeling.

John's hand brushed against his brow and then ran through Kaidan's hair, sweaty, hair coming down into his brow, but even so, the Major had never looked better.

Kaidan struggled with what to do with his hands. Again. He knew if he touched himself, he'd hurry up the pace but he'd be happy just like this for the rest of his life if he could feeling the weight of his boyfriend on him. Boyfriend. Lover. Bondmate? Partner? He'd think of a good title later.

John felt the hic in Kaidan's throat when he was kissing him and Shepard began to rotate his hips. Kaidan's legs, sore from being in one position, stretched and popped and one coiled around Shepard's back, squeezing to urge him deeper while the other rubbed up against Shepard's side nudging him for more friction.

Kaidan's hands had no idea what to do. One found its way to the nape of Shepard's neck, holding him tight while Shepard pulled the other hand over Kaidan's head and next to his ear by the wrist. Kaidan's hand balled into a fist and his toes were curling as he felt John kissing his neck senseless. There might be a hickey by the morning at that pace.

And the pace was quickly increasing as Kaidan's soft soft legs rubbed and squeezed at Shepard until Kaidan was letting out a low and intermittent "ah". Every so often when Shepard found and hit the right spot, Kaidan would jerk up and clench sharply making Shepard growl into Kaidan's ear, momentarily halting the pace until they had built back up to the right speed.

Kaidan felt his mind start to go blank.

Shepard wasn't quite there yet, but Kaidan's noises in his ear were certainly helping. 

Kaidan's mind went white with pleasure when Shepard wrapped his hand around Kaidan's cock.

"I love you..."

"I... love you."

And that was their first time.

Once they pulled apart for a time of reprieve and waiting for their heartbeats to calm down, Kaidan rubbed his cheek and forehead with his forearm. He was flushed and a little bit sweaty. A little bit sticky. A little bit of a dull ache in his lower half, stretching his legs out with his bones creaking a bit. 

For a moment his mind was so freed from thought that he didn't even notice the dull headache from the L2. Hell, for a moment, he didn't even remember he was a biotic.

Shepard was lying face down on the mattress, breathing heavily. He stretched and his back cracked. He was in his own kind of heaven but a little bit glad he was off his knees for now. He then realized that during the final moments he'd lifted himself a bit off the mattress on his toes for more leverage and had untucked the bedsheets from the mattress. Damn. That'd bother him now.

"...Wow." Kaidan said at last. "So... that's what that feels like."

"You look good in afterglow." Shepard mumbled into the sheets before turning onto his back.

"Well, you'll... have to keep it up." Kaidan paused. "I mean... do this more."

"I knew what you meant."

"Damn, if we could've just skipped the whole fucking disaster to get to... that..."

"I don't know... I think you were more motivated because of it."

"Mortified. Not motivated."

"Well, you didn't disappoint."

"Mm... Well, that's good I guess."

"And I really can't keep my hands off you."

"Is that because of my legs?"

"It's because of a lot of things..."

Shepard rolled onto Kaidan gently, kissing him again.

"Can we... keep doing this?"

"As long as you let me."

"I'll let you. I might even wear the red ones some time."

"Really? You always struck me as a violet guy... Well, if you're taking suggestions in the Suggestion Box, I think I'd like you in the black ones... right before I take you out of them."

"S-Shepard."

"And I can't wait to show you what else I've learned and how I've... improved." Shepard smirked, feeling Kaidan's legs. "I have a trick I want to show you. Do we have any olive oil?"

Kaidan froze for a moment as Shepard caressed his leg. "...We're all out."

THE END


End file.
